Saturday, May 29, 2010
#191: My Chemical Romance, Part I
In the past twelve months I’ve had some incredible highs and some deep lows. Again it becomes hard to reconcile the highs and lows, but I do my best to enjoy the highs and hide the lows. Now I’m told that’s not the best attitude to have, but hey. My mania has reared it’s ugly head and after a lengthy, and emotional, consult with my doctor (one of the best around actually) the decision is to try some medication designed to level me out a bit and get me back to what I enjoy doing. It’s not a permanent move, but it is a new one for me. So, it’s hello to 60mgs of Cymbalta daily.
Frankly I am scared to a fairly large degree, but I am enough of a realist to know that when your significant other writes a heartfelt letter to one’s doctor which makes one get emotional, then something needs to change. I don’t think I’m a bad person, but I’m not coping. I cry a lot, at random. Here’s an example – I’m probably the only person who cries during Deep Impact. What part? When Tea Leoni and the dude who plays her father are on the beach. They embrace as an unrealistically large tsunami approaches, and she snuggles into her father’s arms and simply says, in a pathetic childlike voice, “Daddy.” Gets me everytime. I’m tearing up thinking of it. I tend to see what I first thought were random things that make me cry, but have found the common link – loss of a parent. Damn my drunken father, he impacted more than I thought. At some point I know that I’ll fully deal with those emotions, but I have to wait.
I get irritable at minor things. How minor? Let me give you a hint – don’t chew loudly near me, not even as a joke and, for Christs sake, don’t deliberately annoy me. Those who do, deliberately, tend to receive the full force of my venom, although I think I displayed considerable restraint in the face of deliberate antagonisation recently. I find it near impossible to drive through the city. I am hoping that this current medication will relive that by ensuring that I’m not allowed to drive, but time will tell. I find myself despising people for no apparent reason.
Fingers crossed. I’ll keep you all informed. I am nervous about this, but I’m about to pop the first of what I hope will be the start of a fuller recovery. And yes, I'm well aware that I'm not the only ship, adrift on this ocean...but understand if I don't instantly reply to calls, messages and emails, and if I begin to pick and choose where I go and who I see for a while. It's all good, I just need time.