Tuesday, September 18, 2012

#304: Meet The Flintstones. Now Kill Them.

To further a recent discussion I'm having on that evil thing called Facebook...

It'd be nice to go just one day when I don't see someone trying to push some ignorant, misguided, hatemonging media racist's views down my throat? Be the US elections, be it the recent protests against the wankers who made the movie that attacks Muslims, be it anything - where is the tolerance these days? 

I was raised to accept everyone on their merits and not to hate anyone on the basis of their colour, creed or religion. Trust me, if I don't like someone it's due to their failings as a person, nothing more, nothing less. Eventually this world will implode beneath the racial hate and religious intolerance that it now wallows in. I'm not advocating love for all, but, by the maker, take a step back and stop believing everything that the media blowhards say. They know nothing more than anyone else and only appeal to the largely uneducated masses so they can keep their jobs. Use your brains people! 

Today a bald headed moron has written a hate filled screed attacking Muslims who were exercising their right to protest.  In most people's worlds it's perfectly acceptable for white Australians to riot and protest, but nobody else can do so, no matter what their religion, colour or creed.  It's a vicious cycle really.  But a here's something I'd like to share, and you can disagree with it all you want - go for it.

Rape.  As the Mother Of Jesus pointed out, there's an impression, fuelled by the media, that all Islamic people believe that, "...women deserved to be raped because of the way we dress!!!!"  Now I'm the first to agree that having such a stance isn't right, but then I've yet to meet one Islamic person that also agrees that women deserve to be raped due to the way that they dress.  Not one.  But to hide behind any excuse, especially religion, to justify rape is utterly wrong.  I'd like to say the following, the bulk of rapes in this country are done by white people who wear hoodies, so let's ban the hoodies and balaclavas. People have been raping others due to the way they dress since women started showing ankles.  The Hoodie doesn't hide behind religion thought, the hoodie hides behind something a lot more dangerous.  The Hoodie generally hides behind their upbringing, or blames a drug or alcohol addiction that they inflicted upon themselves, or blames society because they're too lazy to get a job and thinks the world owes them. The Hoodie blames everyone but themselves for their damage that they do.  Let's ban the Hoodie before we ban the Burqua.

Seriously.  When the media gets behind that, whioch they won't, instead of pushing racist, intolerant, anti-religious views that would have made Goebbels proud, then I might take notice.  Until then, don't believe what you hear - and keep your thickheaded views to yourself.  Nobody cares.

Sunday, September 02, 2012

#303: Remember The Alamo!

To all of your bastards who were wondering where I'd gotten to, let's just say I was busy having a gigantic shit.  

Browsing that evil ole Facebook this morning I saw this photo and had a chuckle.  I pointed out, in the comments section, that it reminded me of some graffiti that used to be in the men's growler of the upstairs nightclub in Rundle Street in the 1990s and the story that went with it.  The night in question I went with my then girlfriend and a pal for some quiet drinks - an anomaly at the time because I was well into my phase of drinking myself into oblivion and swallowing almost any happy pill that was offered (or not).  Loads of fun really.  On the night in question some peon thought it'd be a good idea to crack onto my then girlfriend, who also thought it'd be a good idea to flirt with the guy in front of me with the view of making me jealous.  Really, we were as bad as each other, and I could never understand that.  Oh well, such is life.  After I'd told the idiot that it'd be in his best interests to leave the place I went for a quiet slash.  That's when the fun broke out.

The clown followed me in and decided to pick a fight.  I wasn't in really in the mood for any shenanigans so, in one of my more violent moments, I grabbed the swine and I put his head through one of the cisterns, thus breaking both the cistern and presumably his head, leaving the floor awash with Royal Doulton, dirty water and some claret. He lay on the floor, covered in filth and blood, moaning and twitching, so I left. A few months later I went back for a night out and went for a slash to find that the cistern hadn't been replaced but someone had written, "Personal Jesus Wuz Here!" 

I fucking loved it.  And I hope that bastard still has a headache.  In my dreams I imagine that he has a Royal Doulton logo permanently etched onto his forehead.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

#302: Ladies Night In Buffalo

Go ahead, name all of these guys- some of the finest men to grace the wrestling ring, ever, and some of the greatest duds of all time.

Ok, we all know Classy Freddie Blassie - our Patron Saint...so fuck off you pencil neck geeks!

This little fucker wrestled back in the days when it was acceptable to call him a midget.  Now you say midget and people get the shits up, but it's alright to call someone a hillbilly or a retard - go figure.

Somehow I get the impression that this guy might have been gay.  If he wasn't then he should have been.  Life At The Outpost indeed!  Sean Delaney would have LOVED this dude.

Fuck it, let's call it as we see it - a hillbilly midget!!!
This man got more pussy than you ever will, and rightly so.  Say hello to Gorilla Monsoon.

Monday, April 16, 2012

#301: Dine Out At The Pizza Hut

What can anyone say about Grenville Dietrich that hasn't already been suppressed by the courts under defamation laws?  Well, quite a lot really.  I remember seeing Grenville line up for North Adelaide after sharing quite a few ales with him the night before at a nightclub owned by a guy who used race Speedway cars on Friday nights.  I say the night before, but I'm being quite kind here; we stopped drinking at around 5am, whereupon Grenville tried to chat my mother up and duly lined up for North Adelaide at around 1:30pm the same day.  He ambled out onto the ground, took his position, attacked the ball, kicked a goal and promptly spewed his guts up.  And they were quite considerable guts indeed.

Grenville got his start with Richmond, but ended up at North Adelaide.  Richmond were more than satisfied with the bald headed goal kicking machine that they had in the form of Kevin Bartlett, and, let's be frank here, once Kevin got the ball nobody else touched it into it was thrown back in from the stands.  Handball is still a swear word in the Bartlett house, so it made sense that Grenville would seek out better opportunities.  And opportunities there were.  Sobriety was a swear word in Deitrichland by the mid 1980s, and Grenville, smelling of piss and booze, was always able to kick a bagfull during a game, even if he did wobble on his feet a bit.  Be it Cobbs Restaurant or Regines Nightclub or the Gaza Clubrooms, Grenville was always welcome to wine, dine and grog on until he passed out.

Now before you think that Grenville was a dud, remember that he was coached by the legendary Mick Nunan.  As a coach Mick was unique - if he had a dud player then he'd make sure that they performed.  If he had a star player then he made sure that they played like a star.  Mick didn't really care what they did on the field, be it Andrew Jarman kissing guys or Grenville having a quiet ralph in the forward pocket, just as long as they did their magic and won the games.  Mick was hard, but fair - if I had to pick a coach to go into battle with, then it'd be Mick Nunan, every day of the week and twice on Sundays.  Mick copped a lot of stick for telling Grenville, mid-game, that he father had just died.  it might sound cruel, but in Mick's world a man deserves to know about such things as soon as they happen.  I agree with Mick there.  If Grenville had been coached by a lesser man then we'd not be here.  

Grenville may have weighed a lot, but it was pure fat.  When he slimmed down he injured himself, such was the disruption to his centre of gravity.  But his best injury came after training one fine night, when he rode his bike in his shorts to the local pizza shop, ordered two large with the lot and attempted to ride home.  Halfway there he went arse up and scalded himself with one of the surpremes.  Picking himself, and the pizzas, up, he went home, sat down and ate his way through the evening, only to discover that he'd not be able to play for a couple of weeks due to burns on his legs.  I've heard of players being taken out by dog bites, but pizza burns is the best of them all, and that's what makes Grenville unique - he did it his way, and nobody else could do what he could do.  And if they tried, then they more than likely would be in a jar by now.

Ladies and gentlemen, hide your children, cover your grog and eat your pizza, I give you the man of the hour, Grenville Deitrich!

Taken from an introduction given a the opening of the Prospect Pizza Hut.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

#299: Meet Dudley McDud

People often ask me, who was the King of the Duds when it comes to AFL.  Could it be Port Adelaide's Matthew Westoff?  Romano Negri? Could it be someone like David Gallagher, who was a dud at two clubs?  Or someone else?  Well, to that I say no, because those duds played the game at AFL level - even duds like Adam Saliba and Jim West played at least one game.  I hear you utter names like Trevor Clisby, who never played a game despite being on an AFL list, but he was only ever drafted by one club.

The King of all Duds has to surely be this guy - Darren Bartsch.  You may rightly ask who.  Bartsch was drafted by West Coast Eagles, but he stayed in Adelaide, conversely David Hynes, one of the best ruckmen that Port Adelaide produced in the 1980s, went over to the Eagles at the same time that Bartsch was drafted to be rewarded with a premiership medallion.  If, as is claimed, that grand finals are won and lost in the ruck, then Hynes was a better than decent pick-up for the Eagles (as an aside, if anyone suggests that Hynes was a dud, I'll happily wander over and basch some sense into your head).  However Bartsch was delisted without playing a game for the Eagles.  Geelong then picked him up, but he again stayed in Adelaide and never played a game for Geelong - you can see the pattern developing by now.  The Adelaide Crows then placed him on their inaugural playing list, which seemed to be a perfect fit - Bartsch could remain in Adelaide and not have to worry about travelling to play and train.  Oddly enough he didn't get a game there either and was duly delisted at the end of 1991.  Brisbane then drafted him in 1992, but again he stayed in Adelaide, never played a game and was delisted.  Essendon then drafted him in 1993, this time he travelled to Melbourne on Thursdays to train and play, returning to Adelaide on Sundays, much to Kevin Sheedy's amusement, but never played a senior game and was delisted.  He did star in the reserves though, for what it's worth.

By that stage he joined Port Adelaide with the view of getting onto the Power's list, but that never happened because he did his back.  Disillusioned with a system that had treated him so cruelly, he gave up the game and retired to become an off-field success. If you lost count I'll bring you back up to speed - five clubs drafted Darren and he failed to play a single AFL game.  It's a shame that Port didn't pick him up as that'd have made it an even six.

He now holds the dubious all time record of being drafted and never playing at AFL level, a record that is unlikely to ever be beaten, as these days a player gets two chances at the most. Ladies, gentlemen and ships at sea, I'd like you to meet Darren Bartsch - KING DUD.

The above text comes from an introduction that I gave at a function to auction off Bartsch's many never worn pristine condition AFL jumpers.  I am available to introduce anyone at a function, for a reasonable price - just email and ask.

Friday, March 23, 2012

#298: Gotta Get A Grip

Can you just imagine the sheer research that went into this document? Those poor FBI agents had to sit through multiple screenings of Deep Throat, solely to research it and write down a synopsis, detailing each sordid act that was on display on the big screen. No wonder the Special Agents in charge of the investigation redacted their names out of the end result, but such are the sacrifices that one has to make in the course of such investigations. I hope they had a decent supply of popcorn and tissues on hand. 

I'm not sure if this would have been one of the perks of the job, or one of the drawbacks. I can see having no problems sitting in a dark theatre watching a porno for a few times, but I can't see how you'd be able to watch it with a notepad perched on your knee being expected to jot down a detailed synopsis of the plot, such as it was.  And not look at anyone else.  And not stick your hands in your pockets.  Sounds like special torture to me.  And it might be me, but check out the write up for the last twenty minutes or so.  After going in to great detail the synopsis kinds of fades away - it must have been too much for the buzz cuts to bear.

Here's something to ponder - if FBI agents into this much detail, and sat there watching porn for the job, what do you think they had to do when they investigated gay bars and the like...


Monday, March 12, 2012

#297: The Six Strings That Drew Blood

Watch the video and sign the petition. It's a worthy cause and, trust me, naming an alley after one of Australia's most influential musicians is a damn sight better than naming it after a politician or some other cretin who nobody knows and who nobody will remember 30 years from now.  Rowland's music lives on, and will continue to live on for decades to come.  So, listen to Jesus here and do the right thing - sign up and let the state of Victoria know that you want to visit the Rowland S Howard Laneway.

Friday, March 02, 2012

#296: In The Navy

What?  They faked it?  Both in the beginning and up to the present day?  Say it ain’t so, Joe!!!  According to former Village People lead singer, Victor Willis, the whole thing was one big fraud, from start to finish. None of the other Village People ever sang on an album, let alone sang live - none of them could carry a tune!  Hell hath no fury like a musician wanting royalties and revenge, and hell definitely hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially when she's a lawyer.

Before we get into the who’s and what’s, let hear from Victor himself, via recently filed court documents.  “I am the original lead singer of Village People, and writer of such hits as "Y.M.C.A," Macho Man," "In the Navy," and "Go West.",” writes Willis.  “In 1977 I was recruited by Can't Stop Productions (Henri Belolo) to record an album for a non-existent recording group called Village People.  Henri Belolo told me that if the album failed to be a success, no group would ever be assembled. The album was recorded by me at the behest of the Henri Belolo as a financial experiment on how to record an album under a name while tricking the public into believing in a group and product that simply did not exist.  At that time Village People was simply a concept group idea and Henri Belolo knew this it to be true because I had personally discussed this concern with Henri Belolo Henri Belolo.  It was only after the success of the second album recorded by me that Henri Belolo was forced to assemble a group lest the fraud be exposed.”

Now them’s be fighting words, to say the least.  It’s well known in the music industry that the Village People were originally a studio based band, built around the strong voice of Victor Willis, who’d spent years singing back-up for others, uncredited sessions and the odd commercial.  Belolo and his more talented offsider, producer Jaques Morali, needed someone to bring their own, high energy, high camp and ultra gay, vision to life.  For Willis it was just another chance to make some quick cash singing throwaway tunes that most people would never hear, but then everyone underestimated the power of Morali’s gift for writing very, very catchy melodies.  The issue that Morali had was the fact that English was a second language, hence the need for someone like Willis to translate what he wanted to say.  Depending on who you believe, Willis either did a literal translation of Morali’s French lyrics or Willis wrote the words himself.  Either way Willis got the credit and recently won a lawsuit for unpaid royalties, so he can’t overly complain.  Personally I find it very unbelievable that a straight man, such as Willis, could write such overtly homosexual lyrics as those found in songs such as Go West, Y.M.C.A and Macho Man.  You can sing them, tongue in cheek, but I’m sure that Morali had something else in mind to be in his cheek when he penned them.

Now THAT'S a cockduster
But the first album was uncredited session singers – we all know that.  “All of my Village People recording, which was each and every hit album,” continues Willis, “were recorded by me with use of background singers who were not part the Village People group.”  Now that’s EVERY song that Willis recorded.  That’s the classic material, the Y.M.C.A, IN The Navy, Macho Man, Magic Night, Milkshake, San Francisco, plus a handful of songs for other related acts, Patrick Juvet’s I Love America for example.  It was ludicrous and lucrative, all at the same time.  However history would have us believe that, after the success of the first album, an act was rapidly assembled, bringing the world the original Village People – Victor Willis, Randy Jones, Glenn Hughes, Alex Briley, Filipe Rose and David Hodo.  Over the years Jones would come and go, being replaced by Jeff Olsen, Hughes, God love him,  would sadly pass away from cancer; he was replaced by a former Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle named Eric Anzalone (who, as good as he might be, never could grow a cockduster as impressive as Hughes) and, most famously, Willis would leave and be replaced by Ray Simpson, brother of Valerie, who was, as we all know, one half of Ashford & Simpson.  And here's some trivia for you - as a session singer Ray Simpson also sang vocals on the Kiss song Tomorrow And Tonight, which appeared on the Love Gun album (this, kiddies, is the reason why I rule at Trivial Pursuit).  Willis would lose his band, his solo career and his wife (Patricia Rasheed – who went on to fame as Bill Cosby’s wife Mrs. Huxtable in that awful patronising ‘80s TV show) and ultimately his sanity for a period of time.  But he’s back, healthy and he wants the name, the Village People, and, to that end, he’s lifting the lid off some very dirty laundry.

The first step is to denigrate the remaining members of the act.  At the time of writing there’s still three original Village People touring – Rose, Briley and Hodo.  Do they have a claim?  Well, no, not according to Willis.  For, you see, they never sang a note in the first place.  “The Village People never sung as a vocal group or musical because none of the members could hold a tune as a group, i.e., they could not harmonize as a group in the studio or for live performances,” says Willis these days.  “So background singers were placed behind the curtains at every concert as the other Village People members simply lip synced. In fact, I was the only person to ever sing live at a Village People concert. Moreover, since my solo performance as Village People for the first two albums had solidified my Village People sound, to add the new members would have disturbed or drastically changed the sound. So Henri Belolo decided not to use the new members for recording purposes either. Therefore, I continued to record alone as Village People with use of non Village People member background singers.”

If that wasn’t bad enough, there’s this comment to consider from lawyer Karen Willis.  “I first discovered the group Village People lip-syncing to pre-recorded music during their live performances in 2007 as I personally witnessed this.  Since that time I have witnessed numerous appearances where they continue not to sing as a group but simply lip syncs to pre-recorded music.”  Now Karen has a vested interest, you see not only does she represent Victor in his legal stoushes, she also cooks him dinner – she’s his wife.  Read into that what you wish to.  As if the lip-synching wasn’t bad enough, according to Willis (Victor), the whole Village People thing was just one big rip-off, designed from the start to gouge money from an unsuspecting public who clearly didn’t know their credited harmonies from their uncredited.

You thought they were all straight??
“I knew Village People was a sham on the public for financial benefit,” says Villis, “and Henri Belolo knew this to be a fact too because I personally discussed my concerns with Belolo when I was asked to perform on American Bandstand but couldn't because there was not musical and vocal group.  As a result, Henri Belolo decided to quickly assemble random phantom group members to fool the public into believing Village People was real when it fact, it was simply a sham and Belolo knew it. After our appearance on American Bandstand, all the temporary group members were let go.”  Well, Victor, not quite all of the temporary group members were let go, for, you see, Alex Briley and Filipe Rose were retained from that original line-up, but let's not split hairs.  In fact, at last count, I think there's been at least fifteen, if not more, Village People.

All you saps who bought into it, well suffer, you Village Idiots!  More fool you.  When the act broke apart in the mid ‘80s all of the members were set for life, other than, apparently, Victor Willis.  However being qualified for doing nothing meant that they’d eventually continue touring, and this they did.  Simpson, Hughes and co formed a company called Sixuvus, which licensed the name, Village People, from Belolo and off they went.  Surely they sing?  Well, again, in the words of Willis, who has no real connection with the group, the answer is a big, fat nope.  “I have personal knowledge that the Village People to this day is simply a concept group,” Willis claims.  “Henri Belolo's sham and fraud continues to be perpetrated to this day through its licensee to the Sixuvus Village People are causing consumer confusion by claiming that they are the same Village People who recorded and performed the original hits I wrote and sung like "Y.M.C.A." "Macho Man" and "In the Navy." In 2007, I asked Henri Belolo to stop the fraud by at least allowing me to perform once again as Village People. Henri Belolo refused the request and stated that as the owner of the Village People who he says it is, regardless of whether it’s publicly correct and is misleading to the public.”

And now we get to the crux of the issue.  Or so it might seem.  “Since its inception,” states Henri Belolo, “the Village People group performs high energy "club" or "disco" songs while dressed in their specific, distinctive costumes. Performances by the Village People group include both instrumental and vocal renditions of music.  The Village People group immediately achieved a high degree of success, and has gained worldwide fame in connection with musical performances and musical recordings. Among their many hit songs are "Y.M.C.A", "Macho Man", "In the Navy", and "Go West". Today, some 30 years after its inception, the Village People group continues to tour and maintain its status as a unique musical act. As a testament to the continued fame of the Village People, the Village People was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame in September 2008.

“Mr. Willis' services were first terminated by Can't Stop in 1979,” continues Henri Belolo.  “Mr. Willis permanently ceased to be a member of the Village People group in 1982 and has not had any further affiliation with Can't Stop for over twenty-five years. Mr. Willis has not performed with the Village People group owned by Can't Stop since 1982, and has no authorization to do so.”  Not for any want of trying though. 

In 2007 lawyer Karen Huff contacted Belolo, via his own lawyer and asked if Willis could tour as the Village People.  The letter stated that Willis had been contacted by “at least two original Village People members” with the view of a tour.  And yes, considering that Willis claims that, by virtue, he is the only Village People (Person?), then surely the two others are him and his reflection?  No, it’d be Rose and Briley.  The overall aim, for Huff, was to get the last remaining members back into the fold, that being Hodo and Jones, and then you’d have five out of six.  Or something like that.  Belolo passed on the offer, much to the anger of Huff, who promptly married, you got it, Victor Willis, and then began to file suit, much to the chagrin of Belolo.

“Can't Stop refused to grant a license to Petitioner or Mr. Willis,” Belolo says, “Willis then threatened to harass Can't Stop and its licensee through lawsuits and other unfounded legal actions. Upon information and belief, the present cancellation proceeding is an element of Petitioner's carrying through on her promise. She has also filed petitions to cancel two registrations for the VILLAGE PEOPLE owned by Can't Stop.”  Somehow I think this means that you’re going to see the original Beatles back together, complete with Pete Best and Stu Sutcliffe, before you’ll be seeing the remaining Village People singing away, or, well, Willis singing and the rest miming to singers behind curtains, allegedly. 

When they came out of the closet the music went downhill
And that’s sad.  Now it matters not if you like or hate the Village People.  You can be a punk all your life and spit on them, but, like any popular music, a lot of people will disagree with you.  Those are the ones who continue to pay money to see them when they tour and those people sing, dance and carry on like idiots.  And good on them – if they’re having fun and not hurting anyone, why deny them?  But if Willis is right, and the Village People have been miming, in live performances, since day one, well then that makes them no better than Milli Vanilli.  Or Madonna.  Or Justin Beiber.  Or Britney Spears.  Or any number of acts that rely on backing vocal tapes these days, and who charge three figures for cheap seat tickets, and any number of acts in the past, to get their message across and to entertain.  And that’s what it all comes down to, entertainment.  The Village People have never been promoted as great singers, ala the Three Tenors, but then nobody ever expected Pavarotti, Domingo and Carreras to be leading their audience in a high spirited dance to Y.M.C.A. either.  Ying and yang, quid-pro-quo, call it what you want, but it’s either music or entertainment.  Sometimes it can be both, but, more often than not, these days it’s one or the other.  

Oh, and apparently Willis had no problem with being part of the 'fraud' back in the day.  Read into that what you will.

More line-up changes just confused the issue