Friday, May 07, 2010

#178: Blockbuster

“How do you feel Jesus?” So asked Reggie a mere few hours ago. I lied, of course, and said that I feel fine. The truth is that I feel very anxious, nervous, paranoid and a few other emotions thrown in for good measure. You see today isn't the day the teddy bears have their picnic, it's the day that I'll be taking a meeting which will decide one aspect of my employment future. Three people, and myself, in a room, discussing my mental wellbeing and What Happens Next. I’m not overly worried about the three people, unlike the last meeting I had when two people in the room were as hell bent on seeing me sacked as anyone I’ve ever met, as I trust the three people – one totally, the other two have yet to give me reason not to trust them, hence they get my trust by default, plus they’re good people.

I hate meetings like this. Of late I’ve found myself wanting to spend more and more time locked up and on my own so I can concentrate on things that make me happy, like writing. I have two books to finish, which I will, once I get my motivation. And motivation is the key. I’ve ballooned out to a physical size that I’m not happy with, but that can be, and will be, fixed over the next few weeks as I once again hit the weights and crash my diet. But what I really want is to return to work and be left alone. Sadly I doubt that’s going to happen if I’m returned to the area from whence I came. Even now every move I make, and ever word I write, is being scrutinised and stored for use against me in the future. It’s not a good way to be, but I shan’t allow it to restrict my words, although I now chose them very, very carefully.

So, how do I feel Reggie? Physically I feel fine. Mentally I feel paranoid beyond words and both angry and fragile all at the same time, not that you’d know it if you spoke to me. Emotionally I feel anxiety and all of the above. Where does that leave me? Buddha only knows where, but I shall come through this long, long journey intact and stronger, better than before. After all, we have the technology to rebuild…and rebuild we shall. The resolution is that while it’ll take time to get me back to where I once was, the hurdles placed in the way will be leapt over when they pop up.

Ask me again, in three hours, how I feel Reggie, and I’ll let you know then. Until then I have more set of reps to do and then it’ll be time to hit the shower and get ready for the day.  And then when I get home it'll be time to settle in for a quiet afternoon and then a quiet evening with good company and sympathetic ears, from people who've been in similar situations in the past.  Support is great and I take it where I can get it, even if people are amazed, and angered, at the levels and depths of what's currently going on. 

Still, Reggie, life is good and I hope you're doing bloody well too.  Hell, drop me a line in the comments section and tell me that you're still reading this stuff and are still going strong.

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