Thursday, January 23, 2014

306: See The Bombers Shoot Up! Up!

My New Football Mantra.

I pledge allegiance to The Weapon. 

Wherever there is an Essendon supporter claiming that they are not drug cheats, I shall scream, “WEAPON!” at them as loudly as I can muster. 

Whenever I am at an Essendon game and Super Jobey is near the ball, I shall scream, “WEAPON!” just before I boo him.

Whenever Super Joby cries after being booed at a game I shall laugh and scream, “WEAPON!!!” along with the words, “DRUG CHEAT!”

Whenever an Essendon supporter mentions the Adelaide Crows and their salary cap rort of paying Kurt Tippett an extra $200,000 in Balfours Steak and Onion pies, I shall scream, “DRUG CHEATS!!!!”

Whenever an Essendon supporter tells me, “At least we’ve won a premiership this century,” I shall respond, “At least my team DOESN’T TAKE DRUGS YOU FUCKING DRUG CHEATING ARSEHOLES!!”

Whenever an Essendon supporter reminds me of what a champion James Hird was, and still is,  I shall sing, “ME ME ME ME ME ME ME DRUG CHEAT!!!” and remind them that Hird was the reason why they are the first team in the HISTORY of the game to be removed from the finals.  Ever.  EVER! In the history of the game!  EVER!!

I shall sing, “See the Bombers shoot up, up.” Each and every time an Essendon supporter tells me that they did nothing wrong.

And I shall, again, invite any piss weak Essendon supporter to come outside and settle things, like gentlemen of old, with fisticuffs, when they tell me to burn small delightful orange hats with ears.

Weapon, we love you.

Christ, I'm looking forward to the coming season. Bring it on bitches.

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

305: He's Back....

Ok, so I’m back.  So what of it?  I was away, now I have returned.  I had no real desire to fire up once again, to open the sluice gates and allow the bile to run free, but public demand – and, in this case I mean three people – has forced my feeble hands into jotting down my own unique brand of thoughts and over inflated opinions.  That’s right, over inflated.  Trust me, just because I, or anyone else for that matter, have an opinion, it doesn’t mean it’s right, nor does it mean that it should be adopted as the gospel truth.  And if you don’t like that then fuck off right now and save us both the time and trouble – me the trouble of having to explain myself and you the time of having to wade through my bullshit in the vain hopes that a gem of enlightenment might suddenly pop up like Ron Jeremy’s cock at a porn party.  It ain’t gonna happen.  Nope, not in a heartbeat.  Some people aspire to achieve mediocrity, some never get that far.  I’m kind of halfway in between.


So, for the eight people who are left reading this far, let’s recap as to where we’re currently at in our lives.  In fact, let’s not.  I you want to tell me then go right ahead, there is a comment section on this blog, it’d be nice to see someone other than a spam artist using it.  As for me, still in the same job, still married to a person with the grace of Kelly and the patience of Gandhi, such skills are vital for being in my presence for more than twenty minutes, or so I’ve been told.  I’m still a drunk on certain occasions, I still complain about people and I have no tolerance for idiots.  Fuck ‘em.  You voted Liberal, you deal with the shit that we’re currently in, a climate of lies, secrets, mis-information and corruption.  You gets what you pay for really.  I know where my salt falls on the chips.


But, that’s for another day…and that day is coming very soon.  Now that I’m shaking off the dust and shit, releasing the kraken will be easy.  I’ve a lot to say and not much time to say it, so sit down, shut up or piss off.