Tuesday, April 13, 2010

#156: One Hit (To The Body)

A new blog, a new person? Well part of that is true. Certainly a new blog, and to set it all up I’ll answer a few questions before anyone asks them.

Where are the old posts? Safe, but I doubt that they’ll ever appear on this blog again, even the unpublished ones. Why? Because time passes and frankly I’ve left that position well behind me. I do feel distressed that some people who monitored this blog and appear intent on holding me to account for past entries appear more upset that I wrote about what happened to me than what actually happened to me. That’s right; I’m in the mud with certain people because I revealed what went wrong. To date no-one has expressed any interest in my overall state of mind or my well-being, well; at least not any concern has been expressed to me directly, and you could debate that I don't deserve any such compassion. There’s still a battle or two to be fought and a few lies to be set straight. I’ll keep the numbering intact and I’ve left a few posts just to keep people familiar with my style, such as it is. However this blog will focus more on my world and the world around me than anything else, so expect a wide range of topics that I’ll offer my own unique opinion about. I may not be right, I may well be wrong, but then again…but at least I hope to make people think about things, and that’s good enough for me.

First and foremost, and let’s get this clear from the on-set – I have never had any discussion or conversation, either on or off the record, with anyone claiming that any third party, or organisation, anywhere, has approved or authorised this blog. No-one has authorised or approved this blog, other than myself, and I’m still looking for the person who has made the claim that this blog is approved/authorised by my former employer to certain people connected with my former employer as I wish to have them stand before me and repeat their defammatory claims to me directly.  I also wish to bring forth legal action for the slander that they have committed upon me. Pure and simple. That is one battle. After all with that one vexatious sentence they did more damage to my career and repuation than I ever could ever have done, short of going on a killing spree.  Other battles, well, I’m sure we’ll get to them in due course.

Also I wish to acknowledge the supports that I have in place. I have some of the best support people in the state, if not the entire bloody country, behind me, and, honestly, without those people, and my close friends, I think I’d have topped myself by now, and no, I’m not being dramatic. I have former co-workers who have expressed both support and admiration for the fight I’ve found myself in. I have doctors who are prepared to go above and beyond the call.  I have friends who make themselves avaliable to talk about anything without being judgemental and I have a partner who doesn't deserve the crap that we're both going through right now, but takes it with the best graces you'll ever want to see.  But, frankly, I’m sick of the fighting. At the moment my current state of mind has regressed back to where it was this time last year – I wake up angry and find myself calming down to a sense of normality by around 4pm. I eat, sporadically, although I attempt to eat at least twice a day if I’m hungry or not. I sleep, occasionally. I can fall asleep easily enough, but I wake up after a few hours and just look out the window, counting the stars and dreaming while awake. Once I awake proper, usually in the wee hours, I’m awake. Sleep is a luxury for me.  On the plus side I'm not violent and I have no desire to be violent.  That's a good thing.

My dreams are the stuff of nightmares at time. I alternate between benign dreams and those who’s subject matter is best not spoken about in public. The rest of the time, well, at least MXC and classic AFL is on the TV. I do read and write, each and every day, no matter what. I’m trying to keep my correspondence up to date, but am often very lax. However people are very aware of what’s going on and my current state of mind as I’m more open with it. Silence = death, in more than one way, and I’m not that silent anymore.

So, all you physicians out there, professional and amateur, hand in your diagnoses on my current state and offer your solutions. Other than the fact that I’m suffering from depression and PTSD I’m open to suggestion. There will be a test and results will be compared.

One solution I’m toying with is to chuck it all in and move away from this state and into another. Not metaphysically, or spiritually, but physically. That’ll come as no great surprise to anyone who knows me or has spoken to me recently as it’s always been a dream of mine to shift and start anew. I believe that everyone should do this, if only to escape the general complacency that sets in when you stay in the same place for an extended period of time. I like to break out every so often and I’m well aware that things might not be any better, or worse, but at least they’ll be different, and that’ll be enough to sustain me. Different can equal exciting, and that could be enough of a challenge for me and those around me.

As it stands I’m now in holding pattern. This isn’t my choice, and I’m not pleased about it, but there will be some form of resolution in the very near future – I’ll either remain in holding pattern or I’ll be at liberty. But I will get an answer. Let’s hope it’s one that benefits everyone – I know I’m prepared to compromise, to a degree, it just remains to be seen if others feel the same.

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