Wednesday, May 25, 2011

#266 Conversations


The Perils Of Buying A Book
I walk into a second-hand bookstore and select a book.  Up to the counter I walk.
Salesperson: $10 please.
Me: (pulls out $10, places it on the counter) Thanks.
Salesperson: (takes money, looks at the book quizzically) What is that?
Me: A book.
Salesperson: Oh.

The Perils of Buying Nurofen.
Me: Pack of 30 Nurofen Plus please.
Chemist Chick: Have you had these before?
Me: Yes.
CC: Why do you want them?
Me: Headaches.
CC: Does your doctor know about your headaches?
Me: Yes.
CC: Have you had headaches before?
Me: Why yes, I have.
CC: You are aware of the dangers associated with this drug?
Me: How old are you?
CC: Excuse me?
Me: I’m just curious as to how old you are.  You’re what, 19?  20?
CC: I’m 19.  Why?
Me: I’m 44.  I’ve had headaches before you were even a wet dream.  In fact, depending on where your mum used to hang around as a 20 year old it’s entirely possible that I could be your dad, especially if she frequented a certain nightclub in the 1990s.  I’ve taken almost every drug there is to take, short of some of the harder Class A drugs, like heroin, and I’ve avoided weed, speed and ecstasy ever since they began to contain ingredients such as baking powder, lawn clippings, dirt and mouse droppings.  I snorted, popped, licked, eaten and drank, both intentionally and intentionally, anything and everything put in front of me for a period of time there in the mid 1990s.  Luckily it’s all over and done with now and taking the occasional Nurofen for a headache or a backache is about as drugged up as I’ve gotten since around 1999.  I’ve had every decent prescription drug, short of morphine, in hospitals and at home, including so much adrenaline during one stay that I was stoned for a solid week and slept for a day and a half straight.  I’ve had painkillers to strong that I’ve forgotten what gender I was, let alone my name.  I’ve had sleeping pills so strong that they’d place an elephant into a coma.  I’ve taken everything from Bex to Valium and beyond.  Believe me when I say this to you; I’ve had a headache before and I’ve taken several drugs for them.  Straight Codeine makes me feel ill, however Nurofen has just the right mix of Ibuprofen and Codeine to actually work.  And trust me, if I wanted to overdose and exit the world I’d pick something a lot more reliable, effective and faster than Nurofen to do it with as I seriously doubt that a packet of 30 of those little buggers would be anywhere near strong enough to do anything other than give me a mild case of sore guts and an attack of dodgy farts for a few days.
CC: Just wait here and I’ll get the head Chemist.
Me: Do hurry, my headache isn’t getting any better.

The Perils of Replying To Email

From:  Very Silly Man Who You Replaced
To: Personal Jesus
Re: My Job

Hi PJ,
I see that you’re still there, keeping my seat warm for me.
Cheers
VSMWYR

From Personal Jesus
To: Very Silly Man Who You Replaced
Re: Re: My Job

Hello VSM
Your seat? Sorry chum, I sit in my own seat now.
PJ

From:  Very Silly Man Who You Replaced
To: Personal Jesus
Re: Re: Re: My Job

Hi PJ,
Oh, come on, everyone knows it’s my seat you’re warming.  Admit it. You’re worried I’ll come back.
Cheers
VSMWJYR

From Personal Jesus
To: Very Silly Man Who You Replaced
Re: Reality Check

VSM,
You were here for a total of three months, of which you took so much time off that it wasn’t funny.  I came in as a replacement two weeks before you were due to finish.  You took me aside and told me that the job was ‘piss easy’ because there was nothing to do other than a very menial task.  Mind you the task was so menial that you couldn’t work out how to do it properly after forty days.  If you recall rightly you were amazed that it took me about twenty minutes to nail it and another thirty minutes to rework the data and streamline the way the task was to be done.  I’ve since moved that task into something a lot more complex and with far better results. I’d explain to you what I did, but as you had a hard time understanding the simple concepts of ‘Copy and Paste’ and ‘Auto fill’ I’ll save you the headache. 

Since you’ve left I’ve taken on a lot of different projects and roles.  In fact one of the things that I’ve heard is that I’ve taken a position that was classified as a level 4, but was really a part time level 1 role, and turned it into a full time level 5.  I’m quite proud of that.  They like me here, I like being here.  You couldn’t do what I do now on your best ever day, and correct me if I’m wrong, but in the year I’ve been here, in the one position, haven’t you moved to six different locations?  I guess it only takes people about a month to work out you’re a dud and then another week or so to find someone vague enough to palm you off onto.

When I mention your name here people respond with one of three options.  The first, and most popular, is generally, “VSM? Who was he?”  The next best response is, “VSM? Wasn’t he that dickhead that was here before you? Thank fuck we got rid of him,” or they merely shudder at the thought of you.

Good luck in your eternal quest to find the ‘piss easy’ job, that job that requires you to merely turn up (which you often have trouble doing at the best of time) and that requires you to not do a lot, if anything at all, other than surf the net looking for vertical bacon sandwiches, perusing your bachelor’s newsletters, standing up to fiddle with your chicken skin handbag in front of the female staff and send stupid emails to people who don’t care to hear from you.

As for your seat, I think that it was taken out to the dumpster shortly after you left. Someone was muttering about urine stains.

PJ
p.s. Are you still wandering into female toilets with half a loaf of bread under your arm?  People are still talking about that in stunned amazement.

From:  Very Silly Man Who You Replaced
To: Personal Jesus
Re: Re: Reality Check

Hi PJ,
Mate, you’re funny.
Cheers
VSMWJYR

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And you think your days are odd?  You ain’t got diddly squat chum!

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