Tuesday, October 26, 2010

#219: Viva Las Vegas

How can you not like Richard Nixon? I mean, look at that face – you know when he told a hippy to shut up he meant it, just watch Futurama. You know that when he said he was not a crook he meant it. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t the truth; he meant it all the same. Richard Nixon rewrote history even as it was happening, the ultimate in revisionist historians, and better than that people have been writing, and rewriting Nixon’s history by the day. I doubt that anyone would rightly remember if Nixon was actually impeached, if he quit or if he was sacked and prosecuted. If you know the right answer then help yourself to a cookie from the top of the fridge.

Ol’ Dick did some strange things in his time. He appeared on television with a dog and saved his political career. It was a good thing for Nixon that Checkers, his mutt, didn’t do a Woodrow, who spread his legs out wide facing the camera and licked himself into a state of highest enjoyment. Oh, how we all laughed when Woodrow did that on live television and Simon Townsend couldn’t stop giggling as he caught a sight of Woodrow the bloodhound and his massive red frankfurter and saying. “Woodrow! Stop that! Now it’s over to Wednesday Kennedy who is interviewing the Branch Davidians.” As if cutting to Wednesday would stop Woodrow from humping the leg of a cameraman and blasting Woodrow Juice all over the place. Still, you just knew that Woody would never go hungry, after all Simon could have chopped up Jono Coleman and fed the dawg for a decade or so. Wonderworld my arse. The only decent things about Wonderworld were Woodrow, Wednesday Kennedy, Edith Bliss and the fact that Simon T loved Kiss when nobody else did. Catorina Rowntree, who bears a striking resemblance to a large breasted on-line amateur porn star known as Wifey, and who likes to show photos and videos of herself looking like someone has just thrown egg whites on her face, came a lot later. No pun intended. Indeed I’d say that all of the videos and photos supposedly of Catorina doing the nasty are of this person called Wifey – don’t believe me? Enter the words “Wifey” “big tits” “porn” and “cum shot” into Google, go for the images and see for yourself.

Where were we? Nixon. As far as I’m aware there’s no Nixon porn out there and if there is, trust me, I don’t want to see it. I have a copy of the Mimi McPhearson porno somewhere, but seriously, it;’s not much chop. Sure, she looks good, but talk about a wasted opportunity. Now one of the oddest Nixon moments came when the man who hated druggies, hippies and rock and roll met Elvis, known for his love of drugs and rock and roll. I’m sure ol’ El also loved hippies, or at least loved putting Lil’ Elvis into them. One fine day Elvis decided that he wanted to go to the White House and meet th’ President of the Uhnitad States. It was arranged. Elvis, being Elvis, walked in with a gun for the President which was quickly removed, much to the amazement of Elvis. Why, anyone would have thought that someone wanted to hurt Dickie. Why would anyone want to hurt Nixon? Well, despite the fact that he had a self-compiled enemies list that contained more names than the White Pages he did have Vietnam to contend with, and that was just for openers. Nobody liked Nixon, hell his own re-election committee was called Committee to Re-Elect the President, or CREEP for short. That ranks up there with the recent Coalition Real Action Plan, or CRAP for short. Still, Elvis met Nixon, they had a chat and Nixon promptly made Elvis an honorary DEA agent, mainly due to Elvis’s strong stance against drugs and the fact that Elvis mentioned how he could easily use his fame to find show business people using drugs and put them into the cops. Luckily Elvis didn’t mention that he was so fucked up on speed, poppers and whatever else he could ingest at the time that he could barely stand up straight, Elvis was against anyone other than himself using drugs.

And cheeseburgers.

A few weeks later was playing a show in Las Vegas when he invited Tom Jones backstage. Elvis loved Tom Jones and Tom Jones, well, he liked Elvis, and more importantly for Tom Jones he loved the girls that hung around Elvis. Tom, no massive drug user he, was long and strong where Elvis was floppy and fat, so it was easy pickings for the brickie from Wales. Tom walked in and found Elvis sitting there, as he described it later, "...with a voice like a fart in a jar." Elvis stumbled to his feet and mentioned how he'd met Nixon. Elvis then produced his beloved DEA badge and mentioned how he now had the authority to arrest any drug addict. Jones looked at him and said, as only Tom Jones could, "Fuck me Elvis, you'd better arrest yourself first eh?"

That was the last time the two men met. True story, swear to God and yet another reason to admire Tom Jones.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

As I recall, Checkers did not appear in Nixon's televised speech. Or as Nixon might have said, "Yes he did!" ~Martin