Saturday, February 04, 2012

#294: Rocket Man

Tell me, seriously, would you bash one of these up your arse and allow it to be lit, just for fun?  I'm betting that if you have an IQ above 110 then answer is hell no!  If you're an American frat boy though, preferably under-age and pissed up, the answer would be, "Light me up buddy!"  After all, being a dickhead is what college is all about, allegedly.  Me?  Well, no.  I've never gone in for bum style tomfoolery, I've kept my ring fairly clean and well away from anyone, other than to drop the occasional brown-eye at passing vehicles, both drunk and sober.  It's an Australian thing, the brown-eye, a lost art.  Call it juvenile, but at least there's no exploding involved.  Oh, and the odd fart has been lit, but anyone who knows me very well knows that the idea of me lighting a fart would be tantamount to someone releasing a WMD, so I've avoided that too.

What have I done at parties?  Depends on the era, the state of mind, the amount and quality of booze I've ingested, if there was any other substance involved and if I was depressed or happy.  They're called factors, Max.  For example, when I was younger I'd merely drink, sing at the top of my lungs, have a fight, dance and do stupid things like drink an entire bottle of Heinz Big Red on a $50 bet - and I collected.  Lovely stuff, that sauce.  I used to get it on with females.  As I got older I stopped the fighting and stupid things, got drunk, sang at the top of my lungs and had fun with females.  After a while I'd merely sit back and watch others make utter clowns of themselves.  And with good reason.

This is going somewhere, trust me.  I've decided that I want to study law and also learn the piano.  I can't afford a red sports car, so I'm doing the crisis thing in an alternate manner to most.  All I need is a keyboard, which I hope to get at some stage - that part, the learning of the piano, is fairly easy.  I have a damned fine guitar here, but, as people tell me, as a guitarist I make a great drummer, and as a drummer I'm pretty damn good.  I can hold a tune, keep the beat and do some flashy stuff, all without any training but I'm no Gene Krupa, let's just say that.  My singing voice isn't that flash, I can carry a tune, I have some range and I don't embarrass myself at karaoke nights (well, other than that night when my pants came down, but we don't talk about that), and I sound better than Eddie Van Halen does these days.  But then again so does a cat having barbed wire pulled out of it's arse.

Crazy Cat Lady
The law thing is a bit trickier.  I want to study law for my own reasons.  I don't want to be a lawyer, I can't think of anything worse.  But I have studied other things in the past, such as meteorology successfully, and I feel that law, while it won't be a snap, will be something I can master.  Like most things in this world, once you apply logic to it, it makes sense, and with law, once you have the logic, you then remove the logic and understand that the application of law is unpredictable and open for interpretation by whoever sits in judgement that day.  If you can do that, then it'll all make perfect sense.  To break it down, learn the rules, understand that your comprehension of the rules is different to that of the beak and you'll be fine.  Works for me.  As part of my studies I've been going through a lot of cases, just reading them in their entirety and attempting to understand where the judge was coming from when he passed down his/her rulings.  So far I've gotten good enough to predict an outcome with some success.  Yay for me!

Some of the cases I've studied have been sad, some have been funny, some bizarre and some have been just downright fucked up, like this one.  Now bear with me here - this is a true story...it happened in Florida and is currently before the courts.  Seriously!  Here's the 'factual background', as taken from the complaint:


On May 1, 2011, at approximately 1:30 a.m., there were several persons present on the outside deck of the ATO fraternity house located on 5' Avenue in Huntington. The ATO had a "house party," and various persons, including Defendant Hughes and Plaintiff, congregated at the ATO house. Several of the people in attendance at said house party were under the legal drinking age, including Defendant Travis Hughes.  Most of the persons in attendance at said house party were also consuming alcohol with the full knowledge and consent of the ATO fraternity. 

Upon information and belief, Defendant Hughes was an ATO fraternity member on May 1, 2011. 7. Plaintiff was also present, along with his girlfriend, at the ATO house on May 1, 2011 at the aforementioned time. 

Defendant Hughes was highly intoxicated on this date and time, and decided in his drunken stupor that it would be a good idea to shoot bottle rockets out of his anus on the ATO deck, located on the back of the ATO house. 

Upon information and belief, there were several other ATO fraternity members on the deck at the time of this incident, including one or more officers of the fraternity. Plaintiff and his girlfriend were also present on the ATO deck. 

Defendant Hughes placed a bottle rocket in his anus, ignited the fuse, but instead of launching, the bottle rocket blew up in Defendant's rectum, and this startled plaintiff and caused him to jump back, at which time he fell off of the ATO deck, and he became lodged between the deck and an air conditioner unit adjacent to the deck. 

There was no railing on said deck at the time of the incident. Upon information and belief, the lack of a railing had existed for at least several months, if not years, before the incident. Upon further information and belief, the deck never had a railing when it was installed, or any time thereafter. The subject deck was approximately 3-4 feet high. 
Now I don't know about you, but the sight of someone, pissed as a fart, blowing his arse up with a firecracker would have caused me to near shit my pants with laughter.  And I don't need any form of a degree, let alone a law degree, to know that it's not a good idea in anyone's books.  But, wait, it gets better.  If you think that the guy who nuked his crack is the one suing, think again.  The one who is suing is the dude who went arse-up over the deck and landed between the air-conditioner and the wall.  Really!  The grounds for the suit are that the ATO (which I keep thinking is the Australian Taxation Office) in question allowed Defendant Hughes to drink, under-age, allowed him to stick the cracked up his ring and failed to provide railing for the deck, thus ensuring that any jocularity might result in injury.  The plaintiff is suing for pain and suffering, and missing a few baseball games.

Defendant Hughes doesn't escape either.  As well as having what must be the sorest arse in Florida, he's also going to have to appear in court.  "Defendant Hughes also owed plaintiff and others on the ATO deck a duty of care not to drink under age, or to fire bottle rockets out of his anus."  The former part is obvious, you'd think, under-age drinking is a crime, but, apparently, the act of lighting a firecracker within the Huntington City Limits is also a crime!  Thus, by blowing his freckle into shards, he broke the law.  The other, albeit untentionally, funny part of the complaint reads as such, "Plaintiff asserts that the activity of underaged drinking and firing bottle rockets out of one's own anus constitutes an "ultra-hazardous" activity which exposes both of these defendants to strict liability."  The Plaintiff wants money, naturally, and is suing for an undisclosed sum.  Imagine that! 

By this stage, if you have any form of intelligence, you'd be wondering if this is true - sadly it is, and it's more proof why the American legal system is fucked.  Even worse, America, meet the next leaders of your land.  College students, if you're not bright enough to know that it's not a good idea to stick an explosive up your arse, quit now.  Just quit.  Or go for a higher grade of explosive, like a stick of TNT.  That makes a good sound when it goes off.  Suing someone because you were so startled at the sight of a firecracker exploding in another persons arse that you went over the edge of a deck and got wedged between the air-con and a wall is a bit insane really.  I don't know about you, but I'm still be laughing at all of that - and I'm sure it'll turn up in the next Adam Sandler movie.  Hell, it'd be funnier than the shit he's pumped out lately. 
When Harry lit his farts, people knew about it.

No comments: