Thursday, February 18, 2010

#144: Watching You

So tell me who hasn’t been both greatly amused and also slightly disgusted by the car crash that is the lead-up to the forthcoming election? I know I have, and both are for all the wrong reasons. Every week a certain someone is dragged out in front of the media at large where they perform like dancing bears in an Asian circus. It reached it zenith when one of the more notable performers was jammed into a tree, fully made over, and the resulting photo was passed off as the subject ‘relaxing’. I’ve yet to come across any female who gets a full make over, make-up, hair, clothes – the lot – and then goes and relaxes in the branches like a trained monkey. Sad really, very, very sad.

Now the local rag here has totally censored any form of comment about the leading issue of the month, or what it certainly sees as the leading issue of the month, due to that issue allegedly being part of some form of legal action anywhere in the world. The way they get around this is to state that they’re being paid to comment/report, in which case I’ve asked a friend of mine if he’d be willing to pay me for this essay. After the laughter it was agreed that a Mintie would be appropriate as a form of payment, the deal was struck and sealed, so here’s what you get for your Mintie. Cash, or in this case, Mintie, For Comment.

The crux of the issue is a simple one on the surface, and I’m sure the entire planet knows it, but I’ll assume that someone, somewhere, has just come out of a coma and explain it as I see it. In short, the Premier of the state may, or may not, have had an alleged affair with a married woman a few years back. It’s basically a “He said She said” story that, if one party wasn’t leading the state, would be solved quite easily with a restraining order for harassment. Sadly it’s not that easy. The alleged husband of the alleged wife (I’m adopting the traditional approach of journos everywhere by using the word ‘alleged’ every time I’m not sure of the facts, or am sure of the facts but don't wish to face legal action. It's the same when they refer to an 'informed source', or a 'reliable source' when what they mean is that they overheard someone talking at the pub/strip club) approached the Premier at a function and allegedly bashed him in the alleged face with an alleged wine magazine, all the time allegedly screaming something along the lines of, “That’s for my wife!” That last line sent Lunchtime O’Boozes all over the country scurrying about like fiddler crabs around trying to find out what was what, who was who and who was up whom and who didn't pay the rent. What they discovered was fairly, well, non-eventful, but that didn't stop anyone from beating it up like a young man with a endless supply of hardcore porn.

The alleged Premier was accused by an alleged women in an alleged paid alleged interview of having alleged sex. The alleged interview itself was highly telling. The alleged woman sat there, looking quite pathetic really, as she recounted several alleged events involving desks and golf courses. It sounded all the world like Jim Cairnes and Junie Morosi had come back into focus. Still Junie appeared to be a lot stronger in character than the current alleged woman. I can’t recall Junie looking anything other than slightly alluring, certainly she didn’t look tragic, nor did she allegedly sound whining and hopeless.

The alleged woman's alleged interview was dismissed the following day by the Premier who stated that he’d not had sex with her. The facts were still there, he said he knew her, but never slept with her, while he was single, and she said that he did indeed allegedly sleep with her, while she was married. Webs often get tangled and this is one that a hundred spiders would happily walk away from.

From this point on the media went into meltdown. The alleged husband who allegedly assaulted the Premier allegedly pleaded not guilty and allegedly insisted that he wants a trial where the alleged truth will come out. I fear it’s going to end badly for him. The alleged woman then splashed herself on the front page of the local fish wrapper by appearing, allegedly uninvited, to an art gallery opening where the Premier would be appearing and then asking for CCTV footage that she’d never get in a hundred years. Still the masses of people chewed it up. Each time the alleged woman has stated that her intentions are to force the Premier to tell the truth and allegedly ‘restore her reputation’.

Is that reputation one of a liar, who has extra-martial affairs? I say liar because anyone who is in a relationship who has an affair outside of that relationship and does not disclose it at the time is lying, both to their partner and themselves. Delusion is a wonderful thing really. So the alleged woman wishes for her reputation to be ‘restored’. Does this also mean that she had a reputation before this? She worked as a waitress. Not a bad reputation to have, unless you start sleeping with the customers. That’s not a good reputation to have, it's highly unprofessional and is a sacking offence in any decent restaurant and would ensure that you'd be best off finding a new career.

See my point? She’d be better just letting it go, but she can’t. Slowly but surely the media have dragged her deeper, and she looks worse each time she’s presented. I can’t find a single person who is supportive of her – and that includes a lot of females. In fact more females than males really. They all say the same thing, “She’s a horrible, horrible person,” they state, and then they wish she’d go away. She's allegedly about as popular as Ebola right now and more than one person I've spoken to wish to allegedly smack her for allegedly 'giving women a bad name'. As for the premier, well he’s not the first politician to allegedly have an alleged affair while in office, and I doubt he’ll be the last. He’s not even the first to face a public accusation while still in office and, again, he won’t be the last. Still if Teddy Kennedy can move on from a car crash that killed a woman, our guy can surely move on from an alleged desperate alleged stalker.

Look at it this way - Tiger Woods allegedly slept with a number of women, from the alleged ordinary to the alleged porn stars. When his wife discovered the alleged affairs she allegedly simply grabbed a two iron and allegedly began to bash ole Tigger around the head. When Tiger allegedly ran, as you do, she allegedly threw the club through the car window, allegedly forcing Tig to drive into an alleged tree. Simply put, it was handled in house. But then Mrs. Woods didn't need to allegedly sell her story as Tiger's net worth is slightly more than most countries, so the alleged pay out for her should be substantial. Hey - for a quarter of what Tiger is worth I'd happily allow him to roger me with the business end of a nine iron anytime, so I can understand why Mrs. Woods is keeping quiet on this one.

So who wins out of all of this? People who love watching car crashes for one, because this wreck is gathering momentum by the second. Certainly the alleged husband doesn’t win. He’s estranged from his alleged wife and there’s a report that he allegedly wants her back. God knows why. The alleged woman? Oh, she’ll be fine and will eventually be on Dancing With The Stars by the end of the year, swanning around and hoping for votes. She allegedly got a six figure sum for the initial interview and I’m sure she’s pocketed some more since, so she won’t be wanting for cash in the near future, plus when the dust settles there’ll surely be a book deal and the magazine/talk show circuit to do the rounds of. Cash for comment baby! However she’s fighting to regain a reputation which, if she gets, believes will vindicate her and ‘restore her reputation’. As it stands she has very little of a reputation and if the alleged affair is proven to be true, well see above. I’d hate to have that on public record. I’ve slept with people who were married at the time, and have had affairs when I’ve been in a relationship. However the last thing I’d want is for all of that to become public knowledge, as I’m sure the other people involved – discretion is the better part of valour, but not to the alleged woman. In her eyes she clearly wants the universe to know what she did. I was once fronted by an angry husband of a woman whom I’d had relations with only hours before at a party, not only did I do a Bill Clinton and deny, deny, deny, but I was so believable that the husband then went off to biff someone else for smearing the reputation of his wife. Never saw any of that crowd again.

The people who most certainly do not win out of all of this are the couple’s children. They lose big time. One can only imagine the relentless school yard teasing that’s going on, even as you read this. Their mother allegedly slept with the Premier and their father allegedly bashed his head in! And that’s for starters! You’d want to take an Energizer Bunny version of Chuck Norris with you everywhere, one that delivers roundhouse kicks to the heads all day, every day, Hyundai. The kids will grow up, scarred for life, knowing the full reason why their parents allegedly broke up: that being that their alleged mother decided to have an alleged affair with another man and allegedly lied to her alleged husband. I’d not want to inflict that kind of emotional scarring on any child, and I expect that there are some therapists out there who are rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of some fairly substantive on-going work. Any decent head shrinker will tell you that stories like these are what long lasting case studies are made of. As it is the alleged woman could do worse by seeking some professional help herself, as could almost everyone in this sordid, backwards affair. I doubt it’s going to happen in a hurry, and I can’t help but wonder if the real reason why the local cat box liner won’t allow comments is because they just don’t want to know the real thoughts of the public, and I’m sure such negative comments, or the overall lack of support, would only serve to damage the already fragile psyche of the alleged woman, or perhaps it wouldn’t? Still, feel free to leave a comment here, it’s not like the alleged woman will ever see it, nor will anyone else for that matter.

Now excuse me while I slink off to eat my Mintie.

Allegedly.

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