Just a quick one for now.
This guy reminded me of a cross between Bobcat Goldthwait and the character in South Park who drinks all the coffee. He came into the office all twitches and nervous tics and stood there waiting. Well, as much as a person can stand in one place bouncing up and down on each foot. When he finally got to me he asked about bond assistance. No problems there. I started to explain. No good.
"Slow down!! Slow down!!" You're going too fast." I slowed down and spoke each and every word clearly. Nope, not good enough. He cocked his head and then spoke again.
"Arrgghhhh!! I'm not a f*cking idiot man!! Go faster! I got places to go!!" I went faster. "Slow down!! You're going too fast again!!" I couldn't win. I just gave up and spoke at my normal pace. I might have practiced my Russian for what it was worth.
He needed a place to stay. After everything I explained, "You have to find a place by yourself."
"Arrrggghhhh f&ck!! Ok. Where? How??"
"Real estate agents are a good place to start."
"What's a f&cking real estate agent do?"
"They...ummm...well, they manage real estate?" It took a while but finally I got him to understand what I was saying. I gave him a list of agents and off he went.
The next morning he came back in.
"Arrrgggghhhh!!! Wjhat the f&ck are you doin' to me man??"
"Those places were offices!!!"
"I can't go into an office man!!!" During this exchange he kept his finger firmly in his ear, scratching as he spoke. After five minutes I asked,
"Are you alright?"
"It's me f&cking ant, man!"
"I slept in a bush last night and an ant got into me ear, man. It's still there! Arrrggghhhhh!" For a second I believed him, but then thought, ant my arse, it'd be the drugs in your head pally. Still we spoke and he scratched. Then it happened.
Bugger me Ralph! He dug deep and gave a flick with a triumphant look on his face. He won the battle. He laughed and then left the office. But he left a gift - on the counter ran a shiny little black ant. Who'd have thunk it, man? I've not seen him since. Arrrgggghhhhh.