#117: Tigger Comes To Work For The Government: Chapter Two
Tigger Comes To Work For The Government
CHAPTER TWO: Piglet The Skanky Workplace Bully
Piglet had never worked in the Hundred Acre Wood before she aced the job interview. Piglet had worked in such places as the Magic Faraway Tree, Bee Club and had even worked, for a time, in Narnia, which was a definite coup. But Piglet, despite having never worked in the Wood managed to ace her interview by saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. Piglet was just too impressive when she opened her mouth to talk and had a certain charm and saviour faire about her that held her good stead. Piglet wasn’t quietly confident, indeed you could say that nothing about Piglet was quiet, Piglet was very, very loudly confident. Piglet knew her place and was going to make sure that everyone else knew as well. You see, Piglet didn’t take no gruff when she decided top strut her stuff. Good ole Piglet.
Piglet soon settled into the Wood and, as was the custom, was assigned to Tigger. This was so that Tigger could assist Piglet in learning the ropes, as Piglet had never worked in the Wood before. Tigger did his best to teach Piglet the job, but Piglet was more interested in rubbing her nipples up against Tiggers arm and saying, “Whoopsy daisy!” a lot and watching Tigger go red and listening to Tigger say things like, “Ya know, Piglet, that’s not very appropriate and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop.” Piglet took no notice of this and would frequently wear low cut tops and stand directly in front of Tigger. This bothered Tigger so much that he alerted Pooh, who told him not to be so silly and to ensure that Tigger was never alone with Piglet. That way Piglet could never claim sexual assault.
Piglet had a dark side. This manifested when Piglet began to not turn up for work, but insisted on being paid all the same. “It’s not my fault I’m sick,” Piglet would scream, “so give me the money!!” Sadly Piglet ran over her allocation of sick leave and would be forced to pay it back. However everyone agreed that when Piglet was in the office she was an excellent worker, if a tad saucy, and managed to have a good grasp on things. People would also comment that since Piglet had started Tigger looked run down and appeared not able to cope with his workload. Piglet, meanwhile, was having no such troubles and was always on time. There was a reason for this – you see Tigger was not only handling his workload but was also doing all of Piglet’s work. Piglet would come over to Tigger and ask, in a sugary sweet childlike piggy voice, if Tiggy would mind ever so much and just write this up and hand it back. Tigger, who was fearful of not being extended in his contract, would do this. Piglet would merely sign the work and hand it in as being her own creations.
Eventually Owl began to talk to someone who worked at Narnia and asked about Piglet. “Oh her,” said Prince Caspian, “that bloody sow never turned up for work and when she did she spent all her time trying to crack onto the other animals in the office. She did the same at the Magic Faraway Tree and while she was there someone accused Moon Face of digital rape! I'm not saying who did it and the charges were eventualy dropped, but Piglet got a good payout and you know Govie jobs, the shit always sticks, even if it’s not true.” Owl was puzzled but decided to share her concerns with Tigger. Tigger became more worried than usual, and Christopher Robin would take great pains to praise Piglet, her work ethics and her reputation, as squeaky as he saw it, to the detriment of Tigger and others. Robin loved Piglet as they were both cut from the same ambitious, kill your enemies and wound your friends, take no prisoners, run the workplace as the same as Auschwitz and gas anyone in the way of your own personal success attitude. Piglet and Robin would have made a great couple in another time and would have easily been part of any purges in eastern Europe post 1945. More than that, they’d have enjoyed it to the point of tableamps.
Tigger began to fall sick. He still came to work in the Wood though because he believed that an excellent attendance record would hold him in good stead. Tigger was wrong. Piglet, who could go a month with change and not turn up once, Piglet, who once phoned to alert people that she was actually coming into the Wood, was the Golden One. Tigger’s reputation would suffer during this. Then it happened.
Piglet came to work one day and, as was her norm, fell ill and Tigger was told to drive her home. Tigger, being the smart tiger he was, phoned someone he needed to speak to and arranged to visit them as soon as he’d dropped Piglet off. On the way home Piglet asked if Tiggy Wiggy would like to come in and have some coffee. Piglet was very suggestive indeed, with big batting eyes, so Tigger said no. “I have people to see,” replied Tigger, “and as such I cannot enter your abode, nor ride a camel, if such is the gist that I’m getting.” Piglet was angry at this, and was even angrier when she discovered that as soon as Tigger had dropped her off in her driveway, had gone and knocked on the nearest door to ask the time and to have a quiet chat lasting a while. Eeyore got wind of this and asked if Tigger was forming an alibi. “Forming an alibi my arse,” said Tigger, “I was cementing one in brick.” Eeyore was highly amused by this but Piglet became angrier indeed.
Piglet then settled down to do some work. Halfway through Piglet asked Tigger if he could give his honest opinion about a document that she had written to a tenant. The document, while worded well, was very confrontational and accusing. Piglet went red. “What do you mean,” growled Piglet, “I’ve spent the last hour working on this.” Tigger explained that the document was great, just that it could be a little less confronting. “FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!!” screamed Piglet, “You’re a useless arsehole you prick!!” Tigger was astonished, said nothing and buried his head in work. Twenty minutes later Piglet came over and again rubbed herself up against Tigger. “We’re still pals, aren’t we,” she purred, “because we like each other. “Whatever you say,” replied Tigger, clearly too afraid to say anything contrary, “if you want.” Once again Piglet asked if Tigger was busy that night. “Yes,” replied Tigger, “I’ll be busy with Mrs Tigger.” Piglet seemed puzzled by this.
Piglet eventually left the Wood. Out of her seven months there she worked a total of two and a half full months. She left behind a legacy of excellent work that she signed off on, the bulk of which was prepared and written by Tigger. To this day Tigger is afraid that he will again run across Piglet, and that Piglet might attempt to accuse Tigger of anything to ensure a contract extension, even if that means accusing Tigger of a crime that he did not do.
Poor Tiggy. He would never learn the most important lesson of such positions: those who do well are eliminated as threats. Those who do poorly, advance. The worst your behaviour the higher you go. The more inept your abilities, the greater the rewards. Tigger couldn’t be inept, as such he was a prime target for the likes of Piglet and Robin.
CHAPTER TWO: Piglet The Skanky Workplace Bully
Piglet had never worked in the Hundred Acre Wood before she aced the job interview. Piglet had worked in such places as the Magic Faraway Tree, Bee Club and had even worked, for a time, in Narnia, which was a definite coup. But Piglet, despite having never worked in the Wood managed to ace her interview by saying exactly the right thing at exactly the right time. Piglet was just too impressive when she opened her mouth to talk and had a certain charm and saviour faire about her that held her good stead. Piglet wasn’t quietly confident, indeed you could say that nothing about Piglet was quiet, Piglet was very, very loudly confident. Piglet knew her place and was going to make sure that everyone else knew as well. You see, Piglet didn’t take no gruff when she decided top strut her stuff. Good ole Piglet.
Piglet soon settled into the Wood and, as was the custom, was assigned to Tigger. This was so that Tigger could assist Piglet in learning the ropes, as Piglet had never worked in the Wood before. Tigger did his best to teach Piglet the job, but Piglet was more interested in rubbing her nipples up against Tiggers arm and saying, “Whoopsy daisy!” a lot and watching Tigger go red and listening to Tigger say things like, “Ya know, Piglet, that’s not very appropriate and I’d appreciate it if you’d stop.” Piglet took no notice of this and would frequently wear low cut tops and stand directly in front of Tigger. This bothered Tigger so much that he alerted Pooh, who told him not to be so silly and to ensure that Tigger was never alone with Piglet. That way Piglet could never claim sexual assault.
Piglet had a dark side. This manifested when Piglet began to not turn up for work, but insisted on being paid all the same. “It’s not my fault I’m sick,” Piglet would scream, “so give me the money!!” Sadly Piglet ran over her allocation of sick leave and would be forced to pay it back. However everyone agreed that when Piglet was in the office she was an excellent worker, if a tad saucy, and managed to have a good grasp on things. People would also comment that since Piglet had started Tigger looked run down and appeared not able to cope with his workload. Piglet, meanwhile, was having no such troubles and was always on time. There was a reason for this – you see Tigger was not only handling his workload but was also doing all of Piglet’s work. Piglet would come over to Tigger and ask, in a sugary sweet childlike piggy voice, if Tiggy would mind ever so much and just write this up and hand it back. Tigger, who was fearful of not being extended in his contract, would do this. Piglet would merely sign the work and hand it in as being her own creations.
Eventually Owl began to talk to someone who worked at Narnia and asked about Piglet. “Oh her,” said Prince Caspian, “that bloody sow never turned up for work and when she did she spent all her time trying to crack onto the other animals in the office. She did the same at the Magic Faraway Tree and while she was there someone accused Moon Face of digital rape! I'm not saying who did it and the charges were eventualy dropped, but Piglet got a good payout and you know Govie jobs, the shit always sticks, even if it’s not true.” Owl was puzzled but decided to share her concerns with Tigger. Tigger became more worried than usual, and Christopher Robin would take great pains to praise Piglet, her work ethics and her reputation, as squeaky as he saw it, to the detriment of Tigger and others. Robin loved Piglet as they were both cut from the same ambitious, kill your enemies and wound your friends, take no prisoners, run the workplace as the same as Auschwitz and gas anyone in the way of your own personal success attitude. Piglet and Robin would have made a great couple in another time and would have easily been part of any purges in eastern Europe post 1945. More than that, they’d have enjoyed it to the point of tableamps.
Tigger began to fall sick. He still came to work in the Wood though because he believed that an excellent attendance record would hold him in good stead. Tigger was wrong. Piglet, who could go a month with change and not turn up once, Piglet, who once phoned to alert people that she was actually coming into the Wood, was the Golden One. Tigger’s reputation would suffer during this. Then it happened.
Piglet came to work one day and, as was her norm, fell ill and Tigger was told to drive her home. Tigger, being the smart tiger he was, phoned someone he needed to speak to and arranged to visit them as soon as he’d dropped Piglet off. On the way home Piglet asked if Tiggy Wiggy would like to come in and have some coffee. Piglet was very suggestive indeed, with big batting eyes, so Tigger said no. “I have people to see,” replied Tigger, “and as such I cannot enter your abode, nor ride a camel, if such is the gist that I’m getting.” Piglet was angry at this, and was even angrier when she discovered that as soon as Tigger had dropped her off in her driveway, had gone and knocked on the nearest door to ask the time and to have a quiet chat lasting a while. Eeyore got wind of this and asked if Tigger was forming an alibi. “Forming an alibi my arse,” said Tigger, “I was cementing one in brick.” Eeyore was highly amused by this but Piglet became angrier indeed.
Piglet then settled down to do some work. Halfway through Piglet asked Tigger if he could give his honest opinion about a document that she had written to a tenant. The document, while worded well, was very confrontational and accusing. Piglet went red. “What do you mean,” growled Piglet, “I’ve spent the last hour working on this.” Tigger explained that the document was great, just that it could be a little less confronting. “FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!! FUCK YOU!!” screamed Piglet, “You’re a useless arsehole you prick!!” Tigger was astonished, said nothing and buried his head in work. Twenty minutes later Piglet came over and again rubbed herself up against Tigger. “We’re still pals, aren’t we,” she purred, “because we like each other. “Whatever you say,” replied Tigger, clearly too afraid to say anything contrary, “if you want.” Once again Piglet asked if Tigger was busy that night. “Yes,” replied Tigger, “I’ll be busy with Mrs Tigger.” Piglet seemed puzzled by this.
Piglet eventually left the Wood. Out of her seven months there she worked a total of two and a half full months. She left behind a legacy of excellent work that she signed off on, the bulk of which was prepared and written by Tigger. To this day Tigger is afraid that he will again run across Piglet, and that Piglet might attempt to accuse Tigger of anything to ensure a contract extension, even if that means accusing Tigger of a crime that he did not do.
Poor Tiggy. He would never learn the most important lesson of such positions: those who do well are eliminated as threats. Those who do poorly, advance. The worst your behaviour the higher you go. The more inept your abilities, the greater the rewards. Tigger couldn’t be inept, as such he was a prime target for the likes of Piglet and Robin.
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