"You Have No Friggin' Idea You Idiot!"

That's right - I officially have no friggin' idea. Mind you, according to the guy who spewed forth that brilliant social observation, I'm not merely an idiot, I'm a dickhead to boot. Great. I've always wondered if hitting the crak instantly turns a person into pyschiatrist. There must be something in this drug that I've not found, yet.

Over the last two weeks I've spent virtually every day counselling people about their neighbours. Apparantly they're all arseholes, the neighbours that is, not the tenants. The tenants come in and begin screaming like you'd not believe. There's a lot of reasons for this kind of behaviour, my favourite is the full moon theory, and I know I'm not the only one who subscribes to that. Still, here's what happens.

The tenants will come in and start demanding that we move whatever neighbour that exists. Generally it's just some idiot playing the stereo a little too loud, or having a party. Every so often an original explaination is heard - one elderly lady wanted her neighbour removed because she was having loud, violently explosive sex at all hours of the night. Clearly, according to this spinster, she was a prostitute. How did we know she was a spinster? She told us. Never been married. Never wanted a man about the house. No Richard O'Sullivans for her. How did she know the girl next door was a prostitute? Because she has sex! Sometimes more than once a night! With giggling! And sometimes more than twice a week! That's all. I politely explained that it'd be hard for us to evict a person solely due to noisy nookie, as per usual my explainations of the policy were clearly inadequate the the standards threats of going to the minister were issued. I kindly pointed out where the ministers office was, and why wouldn't I? I'm there to help and I'm sure that the ministers office could also use a chuckle.

Sometimes they come in with the basic of reasons - the neighbour is black/white/coloured/pick a race. These are the racists who generally cause more problems than they deal with. I remember speaking to one guy and suggesting that if he just stopped yelling, "F*ck off you f*ckin' black coon c*nt!" at the top of his lungs then perhaps the guy next door wouldn't threaten to kill him so much. "But," he replied, "you started it."

"How did we do that?"

"You moved the f*ckin' nigger in there in the first place." Of course! I felt like slapping my head. The revelation was clear. You see a lot of the problems due to neighbourhood disputes are our fault for moving the wrong people in. Clearly. The only thing with that theory is that, while there might be a germ of truth to that statement, a lot of the time the people who complain are the ones who shouldn't have been housed in the first place.

Try telling people that. People actually threaten us. They'll come in and scream, "If you don't fix this problem and evict that bastard then I'll move out and then where will you be?" In a better place. Seriously. Move out. Go and try the private rental market. Go and try the tricks of not paying rent, telling the housing managers in Toop & Toop to fuck off when they come around for an inspection. Try having loud parties whenever it suits you. Try dealing drugs. Try setting up your hydroponics. Do all the good stuff and see how long you last. I'm guessing the answer would be 'not long at all.'

I don't own any real estate. Funnily enough I can't afford it. Well that's not entirely true - I could afford to buy a place, it's more that in this day and age, the suburbs that I could afford to buy in, I don't want to live in. And there's no way I'd buy an investment place and rent it out. I've seen too much to fall into that idiot trap. I'd much rather be a lifestyle renter for the duration. It's an insane market out there, yet the bulk of our customers believe that we have some inside information, some inside track, that allows us to get the premium rentals. Here's the big hint: we don't. When I had to find the place I'm in right now I had to apply for it. I went and visited about five properties, I rejected about fifteen just by looking at the listings. It was difficult. And we're talking about high end rental - and I've been at the lower end of the scale so I know how hard that is too. It's feral. it's competitive. It's as hard as ever to find decent rental at an affordable price that's safe and secure and hasn't got some dodgy landlord who'll throw you out the minute you complain about the roof falling in on your head.